birthday boy

I narrolwy avoided attending mass on Chritmas Eve. As Madeline's godfather I agreed to go, with the rest of the gang, if Adam and Michelle asked and they did. But the heavens opened, so to speak, and the parents (all of them) agreed it was too much hassle to take the kids. So we didn't go.

Now this Jesus bloke, so the story goes, had his best mates knife him in the back so a bunch of Romans could nail him to a cross or a tree or something, have a Centurion (I think) stab him in the side, cut him down and sling his carcas in a cave. Not my idea of a good easter. And his Dad was OK with all that. No word on what Mum had to say about it.

And we didn't go to his place for his birthday because it was raining. Devout we are not. To be fair, Mike and Maureen went to the 21:30 service, and on Christmas morning Sally and Mara went for their fix.

I think many of those without religion are more aware of religion than those with. I am not a fan of going to church because it makes me feel like a hypocrite. Saying the words, passing myself off as one of the gang. It simply feels wrong. To me. But there are a great many people who have no problem with popping along at Christmas and playing the part, or having a pick-and-mix approach to religion. If there is a big old bearded bloke on a cloud behind some pearly gates, at check-in I'll be all

no fucking way! You're a real bloke? Now THAT is fucking mental! You made all that earth and sun and planets? If I'd known I might have gone to church. Probably not though. I was sure the scientists were right with that evolution shit. The commandments were OK. I didn' kill anyone, I trode lightly on the planet and tried to be a decent bloke. A lot of that stuff is in the book. Not that I read it. Tried, but it was all old words and not enough character devlopment.I didn't figure you'd be up here in person. Didn't think there'd be an up here as such. Fuck man, this is fucking insane. Hey, can I come in if I moderate my language?

And I reckon he'd let me in, and I reckon he'd be all

yeah, in ya' come dick head. Scientists? Twats! And swear your tits off, this is fucking paradise c***-chops!

But what about the once-a-year brigade? I reckon a few of them would be all grovelly and

of course I believe! I went to church every Christmas!

And God would be

Just Christmas then? Couldn't spare a few Sundays? Give me a break and don't bullshit a bullshiter. You pulled on Christmas like you'd pull on a pair of Calvin Kleins. Cut the crap and get your arse inside.

Or the religious right (who are neither) would be

I knew it! I knew it! I had faith! Paradise for me, oh thank you thank you, praise you in the highest!

And God would be

Whoa dude, hold on a moment because you are fucking joking if you think I'm letting you in. Though shalt not kill is ab-so-fucking-lute. There is no exclusion clause for blokes that look and talk a bit funny. Now fuck off!

I reckon most of us will be OK. And I don't feel like too much of a hypocrite. More like worm food in the making.