scared

For the first time today dad looked scared.

The day had started frustratingly with dad, morphined up, trying to explain to me, a non-gambler, a very specific, somewhat complicated bet that he wanted me to place. It involved both dogs and horses, seperate race meetings and some sort of accumalator. He tried to write down what he meant, but writing really does not work for him at the moment. I was glad when Darren arrived; he likes a flutter and understood what dad was talking about.

So we trotted over to the betting shop, placed what we thought was the correct bet and headed back so dad could berate us for getting it wrong. Ah well. While that sounds kinda cool, dad bossing his sons about and all, it was not fun. It was a frustrating experience for all of us. I can only guess at how that frustration is eating at dad because he cannot express it in a way that I can understand.

He is also frustrated with his inability to get comfortable in his hospital bed. He wants to sit up high in the bed, but each time he tries to move he finds himself slipping further down towards the foot end and needs to call the nurses to flatten the bed and slide him back up to the top of the bed...and this happens over and again.

Today at lunchtime - lunchtime for most, dad no longer eats meals - he had a small chunk of pineapple. Not long after that he he started to wretch. Darren quickly got a bowl from his bathroom that I held under his chin...as he started to bring up a semi-solid substance with phlegm and blood. The first bit started to ooze from between his lips. Darren hurried from the room to get a nurse and I rang his emergency buzzer.

This was not a nice experience. I am fairly sure he thought that was it all over; maybe I did too. But the moment passed, he was given a quick injection to supress the nausea and he stabilised. I think he may have crapped himself too, just a little. Later the nurses cleaned him, but when I left him this afternoon he still had discoloured teeth, coated in the blood he had brought up earlier.

The very worse bit was immediately after he stopped vomiting and the nurses were still in the room with us. He turned to one of them and said

"I am going to ask you a question and you must give me an honest answer"

She agreed.

"Is that the way I am going to go?"

He looked scared. For a short while.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.