mixed emotions

Bantry Bay
Originally uploaded by Auswomble

The Six Foot Track is 3weeks away and 45km of hilly bush trails. This weekend was my last opportunity to get a big run under my belt before the big day. Janathon was good, a ton of base. But I needed a long run. The weekend started badly; Friday's SBS early evening news finished with a weather report that said Sydney was in for a day of high temperatures and oppressive humidity and it would feel very unpleasant outside. Their words. I had no option.

AJ woke 30mins later than usual at 5:30 so I left 30mins later than planned, at 6:30. It felt quite cool, despite being in the low 20s. Plan was to take it easy. I was not interested in the land speed record, rather completing 36km or so and spending 3.5 to 4 hours runing on mainly bush tracks. Route was to be my middle harbour to Manly run, which is 27km, with a lap of the Manly Dam mountain bike circuit thrown in for good measure and the extra ks. Expecting a sweaty morning I loaded 1.5lts in the Camelbak bladder (first time I've packed the bladder for ages), took a gel and a 600ml bottle of homebrew Gatorade.

By the time I got to Roseville Bridge and the trails I was feeling the humidity and felt a bit off. Suffering a lack of proper running form because I was consciously trying to keep it slow - I usually run at whatever feels comfortable. When I got on the trail I felt OK and got into some sort of rhythm. I met a couple of guys who were training for the North Face 100 which is 10wks away. Kinda puts my little 45 into perspective. Mind you, I still believe 6ft is the gold standard of Aus trail running. We had a natter and I left them, the next few kms being mainly occupied by cleaning up spider webs with my face. I met a trio a while later coming towards me and after that there were far fewer webs; I assumed they had cleaned them up with their faces. Plenty of eastern water dragons to scare and a blue tongue too.

At the top of trail above Bantry Bay I stopped for a breather and took the pic. Was still feeling OK. Took my shirt off and rung it out. Plenty of sweat, but I was doing well on the fluids and knew I could refill at Seaforth Oval. Headed on. At the bottom of the Timbergetters climb I had the one and only piss I took between 6:30am and pm. Mainly walked the steps, figuring 6ft has lots of walks ("the six foot track is all about running downhill and walking up them") and this was therefore acceptable. I was already feeling a bit disappointed at my pace, but tried not to care.

At Seaforth Oval I topped up the bladder and the bottle and headed over to Manly Dam. I cut in on the trail and after a short while came across a sign that said the next section was closed to walkers. I considered ignoring it, but I'm a bit of a goody-two-shoes so doubled back up to the Wakehurst Parkway and along a bit to join the track later. I think this was the first chink, it put me off a bit and pissed me off. A couple of k later I was back on the trail making slow and steady progress. I was passed by surprisingly few bikes, only 4. Guess most people are far smarter than I am and were at the beach or somewhere with aircon.

I am not entirely sure what happened as I went around the dam- genuinely cannot recall it - but at some point I got it into my head that I was defeated. Yes, it was fucking hot and horribly humid. Yes, I was struggling. I get it. But at 25.5km I stopped. Not to rest, but I stopped. I tweeted a couple of tweets to the effect that it was all over - and at the time it was. I was squatting by the side of a road at the back of Seaforth. I checked the weather, as if that would justify my decision.

I must have got a grip, a bit - and again I cannot remember - because I started to very slowly run up the hill, figuring I must be close to the oval where I could jack it in and get a bus or crawl into a corner. I was cursing myself. But I made it to the oval. Made it another km. I cursed at myself some more. The morning tweets went like this.

Early start. Feels quite cool
Defeated and devastated
Humidity 97% when I left at 6.30 and after 25k still 89%. Do I try to keep going? I feel beaten. Depressed.
To the part of my brain try to make me stop: SHUT THE FUCK UP. To the part that wants to listen: on your feet and run you piss weak fuck

Yes, I was a little unhappy at this point. Again I refilled at Seaforth and kept going. As I started to see a few more people on the Spit to Manly path I would pause for a quick chat, any thoughts of speeding up gone and taking advantage of the rest. Chewed a little fat with some dog owners at Clontarf. Tweet.

Clontarf, 5.6k after I quit. 600ml full fat coke with a sachet of salt. Let's see if that was a good or bad idea. On to manly and a beer

If you put a sachet of salt into a bottle of coke it fizzes like a bastard. I don't think I wasted too much, and wondered how the 6km I needed for my target distance would go with 600ml of full fat coke sloshing around in my gut. As it happens, not bad at all. The Spit to Manly passed pretty well; at one point I actually felt quite good. But at one point I felt so far from good I was in tears. And it wasn't anything to do with physical fatigue. Mental fatigue though, it is a bastard.

The emotional bit. Typically when I struggle on a long run I invoke my dad and somehow that manages to get me through. That sort of happened today but sort of didn't. And the thought that came crashing through was that on this run I didn't need my dad to help. And the unexpected feeling was like having him die all over again. I tried a few things; I spoke to him. "It's OK dad, I've got this one covered" and "looks like I don't need you with me on this one, but I WANT you with me." I felt horribly alone and started to cry.

"We are different, in essence, from other men. If you want to win something, run 100 meters. If you want to experience something, run a marathon."
Emil Zatopek

Then I got a grip and the 36km I had hoped for, and had quit at 25.5km, ended up being 38km. Within 7km of 6ft. That will do. I decided to have a beer with the old man. Enough sentimental nonsense, tough to type it up later; what Zatopek says. You see, when he says you experience something he is talking about far more than running. Anyhoo...

I jumped in the water at Manly and that felt very good indeed. I had a beer at the Belgian Beer Cafe and that tasted very good indeed. Mixed emotions today. Not happy with my performance, but content. A quick shout out to Mikel, a local ultra runner I have shared a few runs with. He swears by smashing yourself three weeks out form an event. Think I did that today.