my take on the riots

I've been reading about the English riots (have there been riots in Wales or Scotland?) with the "I-live-in-Sydney-and-this-is-only-happening-on-TV" detachment I normally reserve for African famines and wars waged in the Middle East. Most of it washes over me, but today Charlie Brooker in the Guardian managed to hit the wrong nail square on the head and in doing so he inspired me to blog. To be fair, all he has done is put in plain, explicit language the point everyone I've read has missed. Here is the most-offending paragraph.

But perhaps it's better to nip future trouble in the bud with the use of deterrents. Obviously a small percentage of the rioters are sociopaths, and you'll never make any kind of impression on their psyche without a cranial drill. But the majority should be susceptible to threats. Not violent ones – we're not animals – but creatively unpleasant ones. Forget the water cannon. Unleash the slurry cannon. That kind of thing.

"We're not animals." Actually Charlie and co., we are animals. Although there are a handful of books and a fair few people who would like you to believe otherwise, the weight of evidence shows that we are, in fact, animals. We like to think of ourselves as quite clever and advanced animals because we have iPads and pilates, but we are little more than apes in clothes. So, if we assume that this is true (the assumption is only needed by those who don't like science, evidence and fact) we should be able to work out why people do what they do.

As luck would have it we don't need to work it out because it has already been worked out. We do what we do in order to fuck and fight, or put a little more eloquently, to attract mates and intimidate rivals. Simple as that. If you are male lion or gorilla you will grow big and strong, get lots of attention from the ladies and punch-on with any bloke who thinks he can have a pop at you. I'm not making this up; go and watch the Discovery Channel and see it for yourself.

The "I am big and strong and can kick your teeth in" strategy does break down when the number of potential rivals and mates explodes and they are smart enough to have iPads and pilates. But the primitive principle remains the same. I do what I do because it will attract mates and intimidate rivals. Why am I writing this? I am writing this because it shows how smart I am. So fellas...I am far smarter than you and the ladies will luuuurve me for that. Our mates and rivals come from our immediate social grouping. There is some mingling between societies and societies do change over time, but overwhelmingly you need to look at a society ("society" might not be the correct word, but I'll stick with it) to see how and who they fight and fuck.

So when Charlie says this in an earlier paragraph

Why the obsession with trainers? Trainers are shit. You stick them on your feet and walk around for a while 'til they go out of fashion. Whoopie doo. Yes, I know they're also status symbols, but anyone who tries to impress others with their shoe choice is a dismally pathetic character indeed – and anyone genuinely impressed by said footwear has all the soaring spirit of a punnet of moss. There's no life to be found in "look at my shoes". There just isn't.

He is once again missing the point. Status symbols are precisely how you attract mates and intimidate rivals. Charlie may do this by using his wit at a dinner party. An unemployed kid on a council estate will do it with an iPhone and expensive kicks. It really is as simple as that.

So the posturing we see from the well-off intelligentsia is just a bit sad. They make a lot of good points and miss the big one. You can hammer politicians, parents, police and the polish as much as you like. But when nicking a tele and throwing a brick at a policeman is your best bet for intimidating your rivals then that is what will happen. Fancy trainers, bling, disrespect for authority - intimidate rivals and attract mates.

A couple of decades of reality TV, shallow, plastic heroes, me-me-me-me-me and easy credit got us here; this is what we are supposed fuck and fight over? If you're going to remove it - or going to plough on with no Plan B (unless B is for Baton-Charge) - then you really should have a deeper think before you come down too hard on the fucking fighters. Fighting and fucking are unlikely to go out of fashion any time soon. So naming and shaming are unlikely to stop someone who places the same value on his ASBO that you do on your Degree.

One more thing before I finish. Back to science; the human brain does not finish developing until it is about 20yrs old and before that happens there is a period of risk taking and boundary pushing. It's why teenagers are bullet proof and many get pissed and pregnant. Disregarding normal sentencing rules and being tough on crime is unlikely to significantly alter brain chemistry in the human population.