what does getting old feel like?

I saw a woman yesterday who looked a lot like the mother of a good friend of mine. But I've not seen him for years and his mother for even more years. So his mum wouldn't look like that now. And he'd not look how I remember him. And the recent Facebook pictures really don't make a lot of difference because the camera may not lie but the photographer can.

I moved away years ago. Life goes on. I'm adrift and ageing alone. I'm getting old. And I don't know how it works.

I've never felt grown up. Job, house, kids, forty five; I still don't feel grown up. Each November I grow some ridiculous facial hair and each year there is more grey in it. The hair on my head has long gone. But I never linked hair loss to old, probably because I had friends who lost their hair well before I lost mine. Us Londoners don't mind the retired-crim crop.  Hair loss and grey whiskers hasn't made me feel any older. This week I found a small patch of grey on my chest hair - just before I had the whole lot waxed off, metrosexual that I am. That made me feel a bit old. I guess.

Maybe three times now I've looked in the mirror and not recognised the man looking back at me. A few too many lines, a little too gaunt. Not a kid. Old. Not me.

Me.

I should look look like my dad but I never will. In profile and silhouette I probably look how he would have looked - only with less hair - if it wasn't for that fucking ejector seat. My parents were dealt a shit hand; they played it brilliantly for their kids.  I'll never look in the mirror and see my dad looking back at me. I don't want to think about that. I look at AJ and see mum and that comfots me.

In 13months time, assuming I live that long, I'll have outlived my mum. I'll be 46years, two months and one day old.

I run a lot. I'll be devastated when I can't run a half marathon before breakfast. I've convinced myself that it's because I don't want to be an old dad.

But maybe I just don't want to be old.

I can do the maths. Mum dead at 46, dad - remarkably - at 73. 

Average parent age = (46 + 73) / 2 = 59.5.

59.5/3 = 19.8

It's simplistic, but if you're life is one third young, middle aged and old then I became middle aged before I was 20 and old before I was 40.

Best suck it up I suppose.

Good night.