a cardboard box, duck and veal

Rowlf-the-hound-from-hell is a strong willed git of a dog. A couple of examples.

What with his coat of curls and his penchant for rolling in twigs and hiding under the bushes at the end of the garden, I find it necessary to give him a proper groooming at least weekly. Well, proper for an amateur. With an afro comb I attempt to drag as many twigs and and knots from him as I can. Typically he will endure a couple of minutes of this abuse before he mooches off to another part of the house. I follow, we have another tussle, he mooches off, I follow, we have another tussle, he mooches off...and so it goes on. Until I place a large cardboard box in front of him. This provides a huge distraction as he grips it in his front paws and starts to methodically rip it to bits. He is so distracted that I have, on more than once occasion, dragged his arse-end across the floor as I swipe at a particulalrly nasty knot. He does not care. He does not even notice that I am there. Until the box is utterly destroyed, at which point he mooches off and I let him go so I can collect the debris in peace.

When we walk I keep Rowlf on a relatively short lead because I like my dogs to walk right at my side. Being a young pain-in-the-arse he is keen to walk more quickly than me. So I find myself flicking the lead and saying "Rowlf, heel" over and over again. Sometimes he listens, sometimes he doesn't. Now I know I should not get all pissy with him - he is, after all, just a big puppy - but sometimes I can't help myself. So often I'll find myself saying "Rowlf, heel!" I pause " Rowlf! HEEL!" andother pause then "ROWLF, FUCKING HEEL!"

On the third command he dutifully complies. All very well, but I'd really rather not have to up the ante and, living in a nice family suburb as I do, I should not be shouting the word fuck in public.

So today I tried something new. Today I simply said, without needing to raise my voice, "Rowlf, duck and veal." It probably came out more like "Rowlf, duck 'n veal" with a slight Aussie drawl. Voila! He trots along perfectly to heel. For a while, of course. I tried "cluck and peel" and various other combinations and they all seemed to work. So now I no longer need to curse in public. I can instead sound like a nutter.

"did that guy just say duck and veal to his dog?"