welcome to the bungle

…I shall endeavour to complete the ordeal today…
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G’day sportsfans, welcome back to Gn’F’nR arena. Lo, track eight has started with a mid 90s grunge groove. I mean it is a very pale imitation of Soundgarden, but it did at least start with a bang and Axl is sticking to the middle of his vocal range. I’ve not winced for a full 2minutes. The guitar solo does not seem to be wildly irrelevant. So there you have it, track 8, Scraped is pretty good. Shame it comes in at a mere 3.30.

I am not looking forward to 9, Riad and the Bedouins.


And lo, normal service returns. An Enya-esque start with that fucking space invaders machi…hold on, it’s gone all Led Zep…not it hasn’t, it’s Genesis…more Space invaders twiddle…right…ah shit…FOR FUCKS SAKE! Hold on, I can see what’s going on. Chinese Democracy is a single-disc-double-album! Instead of having twice as many songs Axl has train-wrecked a heap of songs together. Each song is a Frankesong of the parts of others, reanimated into a monster. Whereas I was sad to see the end of 8 I’m glad 9 is out of the way. It’s more irritating than bad.

I have a feeling I was listening on random play yesterday…either that or he’s slipped the same song in twice with different titles, so catchy and memorable were the – how many did I listen to? – 8 songs I listened to yesterday…

I think Eric Clapton has turned up on track 10? I definitely listened to this track yesterday. Does that mean I need to listen to them all again to play “pin the comment on the donkey?”


Maybe I need to listen to the lyrics of “Sorry”?


Sorry, I fell asleep…seems I.R.S is a power ballad, so I’m going to take this opportunity to get a bit more sleep…
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Track 13 – This is Love
Track 13 – This is Awful
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“seems like forever an a day”

Ain’t that the truth.

“if my interntions are misunderstood, please be kind”


Sorry Axl, that just ain’t gonna happen.

OK, track 14 is not too bad as big production rock nonsense goes. I’m not sure I appreciate the violins, but that is my prejudice. The song is OK, and I am sure when it finds it’s way onto the soundtrack of “Broken Arrow 4” or “The Rock 3” or whatever John Woo next directs I will learn to love it.


So, in summary…I don’t mind a good montage. In fact I don’t mind a piss-poor montage…no I have to stop, this song is heading south …it has slowed and faded and in my mind’s eye I see end credits rolling…dolly grip, best boy, hairdresser to Mr. Rose…blessed release, the album is over. Please please please, no hidden track or gregorain chanting…silence…and relax…it’s over.

Where was I?

Ah yes, a montage. I don’t mind a montage. As a visual pick-and-mix the montage works quite well. As a rock album format it doesn’t. Jumping all over the place, reminding me of things I didn’t care about in the first place, or things so horrific I’d buried them deep inside…

I have simple tastes. A rock album needs only:

Big angry crunchy guitars being hit very hard by hairy blokes (sorry ladies)
Mental drums.
Shouting. Leave the singing to Mariah Carey.

To be applied in moderation:

Guitar solos. The more twiddles the fewer the solos
Ballads. One per album, MAX.


Banned:

Strings (other than those on guitars and piano (in moderation))
Choirs
Synthesizers
Martin Luther King samples…in fact, any samples. Leave that shit in the ‘hood.
Fade outs. If you can’t write an end don’t start.